Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Falling Apart?

It's been a while since my last post - and really a lot has happened, I just haven't had time to put everything together.  I'll tease you and say that we took a fun vacation, went to a few weddings, celebrated an anniversary, and went to my 10 yr HS reunion - whew!  Hopefully I'll get some proof of those events up in the next few days....we'll see.

As for the title of this post - honestly, that's how I feel most days.  Like I am falling apart.  1 piece at a time, some days feeling like I am already apart altogether.  Lots of confusion (about all things), fear, sadness - all of that truly mixed in with happiness, joy, smiles, laughs.  Sound confusing?  It is! :)  Crying out to the Lord and wanting to ignore Him all at the same time.  I am nothing without my honesty. :)  But today I had a thought - a revelation if you will.  As I was feeling particularly overwhelmed, asking the Lord why I am falling apart like this He very gently asked me "are you falling apart or falling into place"?  Excuse me?  And then I started thinking about it and a peace fell over me.  His ways are not my ways.  His power is made perfect in my weakness.  He builds cities out of ruins - meaning something must have been in ruins in the first place. The more I try to fix me, the more I realize I can't.  But if I let Him refine me, let Him tear away pieces of me bit by bit, the more I may realize that I'm not being torn at all.  Falling into place feels a lot like falling apart - dying to myself and all that I want for me isn't easy.  But clinging tightly to the hopes and fears I have for me doesn't compare to the freedom I have in giving Him those things.  I'm thankful that even when I bring Him nothing (which is what I feel like I've been bringing lately), He is capable to do more with my nothing than I can do with everything apart from Him. 

Lord, thank you that you ask us to give all that we have in whatever form that looks like.  And if all I'm able to throw in the pile is my "nothing", that you will use it for your glory in a way I could never fathom.  Thank you that just when we feel like we're truly falling apart, you whisper in our ear that maybe we're just falling into you a little more than we're comfortable with.  And I pray that I'm OK with that.....

Anyone else falling apart? :)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

It's all in the genes...or not!

Today marks 3 months since the day we found out Poppy was sick.  I'll never forget the events of that morning - the outfit I was wearing, feeling nervous as we left the house, drinking OJ at McDonald's, Shelby's reassuring "I'm sure we'll be able to see what it is" (gender wise), our excited Moms, and lastly but overwhelmingly not least - "we are seeing some very disturbing things".  Those were the first words uttered by the Dr. who saw me that morning as he gazed into the sonogram machine at our sweet little girl (although we didn't know she was a she at the time).  Words that are forever burned in my memory as we lovingly watched our baby, not believeing what we were hearing.  The Dr. told us there was no magical solution, we told him that was ok because we believed in miraculous solutions.  No one could tell us precisely what was wrong, even the specialist Dr.'s weren't certain.  All I know is we prayed harder and clung to God more in those 2 weeks than we ever had before.  We were surrounded by friends, family, children, and people who didn't even know us who probably prayed more and clung to God more on our behalf than they had in a while.  And you know what happened - He showed up. He met us in every moment and feeling, He comforted us, He grieved with us, He helped us enjoy a vacation, and He brought joy to us in what would be our last 2 weeks with Poppy.  And then in His grace, He brought peace to us in the moments the Dr. told us she was gone.  3 months ago we started walking a road I didn't (and most days don't) want to walk.  And as I look back, I see that He wasn't preparing us for losing Poppy (or what would come after losing her), but preparing us as to Who to trust in the losing.  And as you can read from some of my previous posts, He has been - and is - faithful

To the Dr.'s surprise, we discovered after testing that Poppy had Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome).  Hello Fear, enter here - Trisomy 21 carries the chance of being genetic. As much as it didn't worry me and we trusted the Lord, it still lingered in the back of my mind - what if?  What if all our children could have it? Will we still have children if that is the case?  Sometimes it is just so overwhelming to know as much as we know.  Let me enter here and say for clarity that I would be thrilled - albeit overwhelmed - to have a baby with DS.  Anyways, as a result of the testing the Dr. recommended Genetic Counseling for us before trying again, and alas - the point of this post - our appointment was today!  A mere 3 months later and I am thrilled to announce that the DS "is all NOT in the genes"!  We know that this in no way guarantees us that we will not have a child with DS, but it is comforting to hear that after all of this we are "low risk". :)

Scared? Yes.  Sad? Yes.  Thankful? Undoubtebly.  Hopeful? By grace, Yes!  Not bad for 3 months and counting...

"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful" Hebrews 10:23