It all came true.

It's no secret that I love Ann Voskamp's blog "A Holy Experience".  My throat began to tighten as I read this post yesterday, namely the part near the bottom where she says (speaking of the author of the scroll) "who believed the inner mystery of Christ in Christmas before there was a Christmas".  And then it all came true.  Everything the writers and believers of Old longed for, came true.  And living centuries later, after the birth of Christ, am I reflecting on Jesus' birth in the magnitude in which it is due?

Lord, thank you that you fulfill your promises.  Help me to believe this Christmas season with the assuredness and intensity of our brothers and sisters before us, before the birth of your Son. 

In the blink of an eye...

My sweet Kiva Jane went from this....

to this...

to this...

Happy 2nd Birthday Puppy Girl!  We love you and are so thankful you're ours.

(yes, I am aware she will never read this and that she may look a little ridiculous in her last picture.  She waited VERY patiently for that treat!)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Weather wise at least!  I could get used to this...

Happy {Snow Day} Holidays from the delinquent blogger!  Be back soon!

Falling Apart?

It's been a while since my last post - and really a lot has happened, I just haven't had time to put everything together.  I'll tease you and say that we took a fun vacation, went to a few weddings, celebrated an anniversary, and went to my 10 yr HS reunion - whew!  Hopefully I'll get some proof of those events up in the next few days....we'll see.

As for the title of this post - honestly, that's how I feel most days.  Like I am falling apart.  1 piece at a time, some days feeling like I am already apart altogether.  Lots of confusion (about all things), fear, sadness - all of that truly mixed in with happiness, joy, smiles, laughs.  Sound confusing?  It is! :)  Crying out to the Lord and wanting to ignore Him all at the same time.  I am nothing without my honesty. :)  But today I had a thought - a revelation if you will.  As I was feeling particularly overwhelmed, asking the Lord why I am falling apart like this He very gently asked me "are you falling apart or falling into place"?  Excuse me?  And then I started thinking about it and a peace fell over me.  His ways are not my ways.  His power is made perfect in my weakness.  He builds cities out of ruins - meaning something must have been in ruins in the first place. The more I try to fix me, the more I realize I can't.  But if I let Him refine me, let Him tear away pieces of me bit by bit, the more I may realize that I'm not being torn at all.  Falling into place feels a lot like falling apart - dying to myself and all that I want for me isn't easy.  But clinging tightly to the hopes and fears I have for me doesn't compare to the freedom I have in giving Him those things.  I'm thankful that even when I bring Him nothing (which is what I feel like I've been bringing lately), He is capable to do more with my nothing than I can do with everything apart from Him. 

Lord, thank you that you ask us to give all that we have in whatever form that looks like.  And if all I'm able to throw in the pile is my "nothing", that you will use it for your glory in a way I could never fathom.  Thank you that just when we feel like we're truly falling apart, you whisper in our ear that maybe we're just falling into you a little more than we're comfortable with.  And I pray that I'm OK with that.....

Anyone else falling apart? :)

It's all in the genes...or not!

Today marks 3 months since the day we found out Poppy was sick.  I'll never forget the events of that morning - the outfit I was wearing, feeling nervous as we left the house, drinking OJ at McDonald's, Shelby's reassuring "I'm sure we'll be able to see what it is" (gender wise), our excited Moms, and lastly but overwhelmingly not least - "we are seeing some very disturbing things".  Those were the first words uttered by the Dr. who saw me that morning as he gazed into the sonogram machine at our sweet little girl (although we didn't know she was a she at the time).  Words that are forever burned in my memory as we lovingly watched our baby, not believeing what we were hearing.  The Dr. told us there was no magical solution, we told him that was ok because we believed in miraculous solutions.  No one could tell us precisely what was wrong, even the specialist Dr.'s weren't certain.  All I know is we prayed harder and clung to God more in those 2 weeks than we ever had before.  We were surrounded by friends, family, children, and people who didn't even know us who probably prayed more and clung to God more on our behalf than they had in a while.  And you know what happened - He showed up. He met us in every moment and feeling, He comforted us, He grieved with us, He helped us enjoy a vacation, and He brought joy to us in what would be our last 2 weeks with Poppy.  And then in His grace, He brought peace to us in the moments the Dr. told us she was gone.  3 months ago we started walking a road I didn't (and most days don't) want to walk.  And as I look back, I see that He wasn't preparing us for losing Poppy (or what would come after losing her), but preparing us as to Who to trust in the losing.  And as you can read from some of my previous posts, He has been - and is - faithful. 

To the Dr.'s surprise, we discovered after testing that Poppy had Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome).  Hello Fear, enter here - Trisomy 21 carries the chance of being genetic. As much as it didn't worry me and we trusted the Lord, it still lingered in the back of my mind - what if?  What if all our children could have it? Will we still have children if that is the case?  Sometimes it is just so overwhelming to know as much as we know.  Let me enter here and say for clarity that I would be thrilled - albeit overwhelmed - to have a baby with DS.  Anyways, as a result of the testing the Dr. recommended Genetic Counseling for us before trying again, and alas - the point of this post - our appointment was today!  A mere 3 months later and I am thrilled to announce that the DS "is all NOT in the genes"!  We know that this in no way guarantees us that we will not have a child with DS, but it is comforting to hear that after all of this we are "low risk". :)

Scared? Yes.  Sad? Yes.  Thankful? Undoubtebly.  Hopeful? By grace, Yes!  Not bad for 3 months and counting...

"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful" Hebrews 10:23

Water to my soul

A few weeks ago I stumbled upon the blog "A Holy Experience". I bookmarked it and every day that I read it Ann's words are like water to my soul. The way she illustrates what the Lord is speaking to her is beautiful to say the least. I hope that you enjoy her writing, and are as blessed and filled with the Spirit by her words as I have been. You can find her here.

A little Vacay

A few weeks ago, we were treated to a weekend away at this little place outside San Antonio,

thanks to this lovely couple. :)

We enjoyed quite a bit of this:

and floated the mighty Rattlesnake River

while possibly enjoying one of these

After a long day by the pool on Saturday, we went into San Antonio and walked around the Market and ate dinner at Mi Tierra's, where we finally got a pic of the two of us

courtesy of the two of them :)

On Sunday, we went to Boerne with Michael and Susie. I had only passed through Boerne before, and it was really cute! We enjoyed lunch at this yummy little place - the Bear Moon Bakery.... They had the most delicious zucchini soup, I wish I had the recipe!

Then my sweet husband agreed to take a cheesy pic with me....

But only because I agreed to take one with him.

Overall, we had a great time and it was so nice to be away for a long weekend. I certainly enjoyed our time spent together,

and loved that he brought a memory of her.

Thank you so much Michael and Susie for our family weekend getaway ~ we'll go back anytime! Oh yeah, Mike was on the trip too but he was too busy chasing the ladies for me to get a picture of him! ;)

A Good Plan

It hit me out of the blue this past Monday night. The moments of missing her often come like that - quick, powerful, and there so fast it's almost hard to remember where it came from. And in the midst of it I found myself asking the Lord this: "how is this situation pleasing to you?" This thought kept rolling around in my head, something about the "pleasing" part would not let go. Yes, I know that God is getting glory from Poppy's story - we are blessedly aware and so thankful for that. But what about the part that something this difficult would look "good" to Him? Tuesday was much of the same, the same thought swirling, not satisfied by the truth I was speaking to it. Then as I was tucking in for the night, I grabbed my bible (this particular version is the 365 day NLT) and started reading ahead the chapters for today, July 29. I am currently in Isaiah, in the chapters where Isaiah is revealing what will be Jesus' fate - what will be done on the cross through him. The words are so powerful, they are even written as if the cross had already happened, but Isaiah was centuries (?) before that event would take place. And this is what I read:

"But it was the LORD’s good plan to crush him and cause him grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the LORD’s good plan will prosper in his hands. When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. And because of his experience, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins." Isaiah 53:10-11

It was the Lord's good plan for His son to die. I can't imagine at the time - if I had been physically at the foot of the cross - that the Lord's plan would have looked good. But it was, and through His son we were redeemed and made heirs to the throne. She was redeemed, and His plan for us - and her - is good.

A shower for the C's

On Saturday Shelby and I went to a party celebrating the engagement of our friends Nick and Courtney. Courtney used to work for me and Nick and I currently work together. Their friends The Nix's hosted and did a fabulous job ~ their house was super cute and the food and drinks were amazing! They even bought misters to go around the edges of the tent they had set up in the backyard to ease the heat. We had a great time celebrating the (almost) Cleveland's and can't wait for their wedding in February!
Us with the happy couple!
The food was so good I took a picture of it! Delicious peach cobbler and homeade ice cream! And just for the record, we shared that plate. :)

Where a kid can be a kid....

Anybody remember that slogan? Yes?! I know - gross pizza, gross things in the ball pit, a creepy singing mechanical mouse but as a kid who honestly did not like Chuck E Cheese?!? We tagged along with some friends and their kiddos this past Friday night and enjoyed LOTS of skee ball, basketball and football games and thankfully - no pizza! :) By the end of the night, we even had enogh tickets for Maddox to get a nerf football and try some pop rocks for the frist time!:)
All the girls skee-balling
Shelby beat the high score at the football game - impressive!
Maddox trying pop rocks for the first time. He loved them!
And finally....evidence that I BEAT Shelby in the basketball game! This is truly a big feat - I never win and I beat him BOTH times we played! Love you Shel!


Thanks to The Billmans for inviting us ~ we had a great time!

One month today...

I truly cannot believe a month has passed since Poppy was delivered into the arms of her King. It is a strange feeling for many reasons, but mostly because I think many days we feel like we have lived an eternity in that one month. If you are reading this post (or really this blog in general), you are SO special to Shelby and I; words are unable to express what you all have been to us. You have prayed for us, grieved for us and with us, cried so we didn't have to, brought meals to us, sent us cards and emails and flowers, and loved us in such a way that we have become overwhelmed by what the Body of Christ truly looks like. We have experienced it in a way that I hope you never have to, but what a blessing to feel what we have felt. YOU have been a blessing to us, YOU have helped us make it a month, YOU have helped us to see the face of Jesus more, and YOU have helped us remember Poppy. And we are ever so grateful.


*At the hospital on June 16 , about to go home. This is the book they gave us with her footprints. Definitely a prized posession of ours.

What's in a name?

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, we thought it was a girl. Call it a hunch or a hope, whatever you like, we just knew the baby was a "she". It is at this point that I should stop and say that the odds were against us, and that the Timmerman family rarely sees an "XX" as the boys definitely outnumber the girls. But girl names came easily and although we never had a long list, we had a few that always seemed to stick around. Whatever the name ended up being, I just remember praying that it would be intentional, significant, meaningful. And as we tossed names back and forth (not very often), I resolved to waiting to see what we were having before we took it any further. Then came June 1, the day we had been waiting for. But instead of finding out the joyous news, we found out what I pray no one reading this will ever have to. News that made a gender, a name, a nursery color or theme, or whether we would stop at the outlet malls on the way home from vacation or not, seem like the most insignificant things on earth. And they were (but that is a story for another post, and trust me, I'll get there).

It seems like most couples these days give their babies-in-utero "names" so that the poor thing will not have to be "IT" until week 20 when the gender can be determined. We've heard of Peanut, Bean, etc, etc. When I found out I was pregnant, the baby was the size of a poppyseed and Shelby and I from that point on called our sweet one "Poppy". And when we found out the fatal news of our Poppy, we knew that no name that we had suggested would ever be right for her. Poppy was the only way we had known her, and that is what she was to us. So regardless of what it meant literally, that name carried a weight and a meaning to us that was indescribeable. But little did we know that God was writing His own story (as He does afterall), with what her name would mean.

Shelby asked his mom to find poppy flowers and bring them to the hospital for me, but poppies are NO WHERE to be found in TX this time of year. So she settled on bringing poppy seeds in a little pot with dirt. And then Shelby and I just about passed out when we turned over the small packet of seeds. When do poppies bloom in our area of TX? Why October of course - our original due date was Oct. 31. And as the days passed, my sister and a friend went on to say what else the poppy flower symbolized and we were amazed yet again. The poppy flower is also the national flower of remembrance and symbolizes resurrected life.

Coincidence? Most certainly not. Just part of her story, our story, and yet another reminder of who the Great Author is. Our nickname did not surprise Him, for He knew from the beginning exactly who she would be.

Poppy Elizabeth. We love you, and are so happy to be a part of your beautiul story.

"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalm 139:16

Hello World!

I can't even remember how long I have been saying I will start a blog. Well, life has thrown us some unexpected curve balls recently and I thought - if I never had anything worthwhile to say before this, now I do! Thanks for reading (or stalking, however YOU wish to define it) and leave a comment to let us know you stopped by. And I'll try to post something mildly entertating every once in a while.

~Beth